Since Michal was in town and refused to spend any more time in Jerusalem, I woke up at an ungodly hour and took the 480 from the Tachanat Merkazit (Central Bus Station) to Arozolov. We met up and wandered around until we got to her favorite breakfast place on Bazel. During breakfast, we got a call from some U of C kids visiting on Birthright and met up with them in Nachalat Benyamin. Apparently, every Friday there is this amazing craft fair in TA. And let me tell you, it is amazing. If a person ever needs a gift, go there! There are all of these local artists who sell amazing art, jewelry, gifts, all kinds of things. Definitely check it out. After wandering around there for awhile, Michal and I ventured around Rehov Sheinkin. When Michal had originally described this street to me, she promised I would love it.

Now, don’t misunderstand–there are a lot of crazy random shops there. However, there are also amazing stores. My personal favorite for the moment is Gazith. Why? Because it has beautiful shoes. Yes. I found shoes in Israel that are not of horrible quality. I bought gorgeous purple/turquoise/silver flats. They were originally 600 NIS. Guess how much I paid? 250 NIS. While this is certainly not cheap, one must understand that I do not shop in this country. Ever. Why? For a few reasons.

1. Israeli sizing is terrifying

2. Israeli clothes are poorly made

3. Israeli clothes are generally ugly

However, these shoes were just simply gorgeous. Love at first sight, I tell you. Sadly, it’s too cold now to wear them. I am going to have to stick to my fuzzy Uggs that I bought with Lisa in Chicago. While I never thought I would own a pair of Uggs, they are so fuzzy and warm that it’s like wearing slippers all the time. How can a woman not love it?

Michal also thankfully stopped me from buying a ridiculously expensive necklace at the Madonna Kabbalah store that I can’t afford. It was gorgeous and had a beautiful meaning that really spoke to me…but I was good. Shoes and a pretty red poncho were enough for one day.

And that pretty much encompasses my new love for Tel Aviv. Redemption and rediscovery are good.

Miranda: So what, you’re like a flystrip for dysfunctional men?

Carrie: Yeah, but one of those really pretty floral scented ones.

Since being in Israel, I have dated three different men. And when I say different, I mean shone legamrai (absolutely different). The first was a twenty seven year old soldier. He pursued me more than anyone I have dated to this point. He gave me all kinds of presents, sent sweet text messages–everything. He gained my trust…and suddenly freaked out. After coming to a twenty person break fast that I held at my house post Yom Kippur, he told me that he was “going through a lot and just needed some time to think.” I tried to be supportive, to listen, to be there for him. The more I tried to help, the more he withdrew. Suddenly, there came a day when he just stopped answering my emails and phone calls. I flew back to America and mulled this over with some of my best girlfriends. No one really understood what was going on. When I got back to Israel, I found that he got back together with his ex girlfriend and just never bothered to tell me. How did I find this out, you ask, if he never bothered to tell me? Well, he very maturely de-friended me on facebook–which his friend explained happened when he changed his relationship status. This is a twenty seven year old who works for the rabbinate and is supposed to be responsible for counseling others…and yet seems to lack fundamental skills related to managing his emotions and communicating. Freaking fantastic–exactly the people I want to date AND to help counsel others in the military.

Guy the second was a friend of a friend who went to Columbia with him. They were in a philosophy class together. Sounds good, right? He had the approval of one of my girlfriends–that’s more than half the battle won already. I met him, and the first words out of his mouth are how “You are so much prettier in person than on facebook.” When he said that to me, my internal reaction was, “Who says that?!” Thankfully, we were at a sushi place…and I was provided with steak and paerve dessert that tasted like chocolate, so the surrounding environment was able to compensate for his idiocy. There is a lot more to this story that probably should not be posted in this blog in specific terms. Save it to say that he certainly didn’t behave as one would expect religious (when I say religious, I mean shomer negiah going to yeshiva in freaking Meah Sharim of all places) boys to behave. However, he also simply stopped talking to me. He apologized profusely for his behavior, and then disappeared…except for maybe two obscure text messages afterwards. This boy is thirty one and, theoretically, attempting to get married. Maybe communication is just not necessary in the religious world. Certainly, women are conditioned to put up with a lot more from men… I don’t know. Sigh.

Boy #3 really seemed like a good one. He went to college with me, and therefore represented a shared and much missed experience (I also knew that, since I had heard nothing to the contrary, he couldn’t be a total sociopath). We had amazing conversations about a wide range of topics: college, living in Israel, Israeli identity, both being Sephardi, literature, politics… all those things that women want to talk to about men but don’t always get the sense that their voices are being heard. Things seemed to be going fabulously when he said the words no girl wants to hear, “I don’t know if I’m ready to be in a relationship.” At the time, I thought this was fine. It hadn’t been that long–how could we know? He complimented me, he brought various Chanukah related things to me house, he was a champion snuggler… and then, when things got intense, he freaked out. At the time, we had what I thought was a great conversation about said freak-out. Here was someone who, though admittedly not good at talking about his emotions, was making a genuine effort. I was impressed. We parted ways and things seemed okay. Seem was the key word.

You are wondering what happened, dear reader. Well, it’s simple. The boy disappeared. He refused to talk to me or communicate via any type of electronic means. A few days after the above conversation happened, I sent him an email. Those who know me (and who don’t can glean from this blog) know that Jo emails are generally quite long and rather complicated. However, the kavanah (intent) of Jo emails is generally intended to be positive or, at the very least, illuminating. The kavanah essentially said, “Look, neither of us know what we’re doing or how we feel. Let’s just chill out and hang out together to see where things go.” If I were a guy and got this email, I would have been like, “SABABA (great!)! She just wants to hang out. I can do that. Hang out is good. Maybe I will get laid eventually if I behave.” But this boy said nothing. I called a week or so later to see if he wanted to have coffee. Still nothing. My last attempt to contact him happened today–I sent a text message saying, “I would like to talk. I have respected your wish for space–please respect mine to talk.”

The irony of the whole situation? Nine months after the break-up with the Ex of Doom, he is STILL stalking me and my friends. I got a facebook friend request from a friend of his fiancee yesterday. It is absolutely staggering to me that nine months after he cheated on me and recently became engaged to someone else that, not only is his fiancee aware of his desire to stalk, but is helping him in the process.

Really, for me, respect is the fundamental issue. Boy #1 was obviously dating me and feeding me all kinds of lines at the same time as he was feeding them to his ex/current girlfriend. She and I both ate it all up, and they are now back together. Boy #2 obviously was trying to use me, a secular girl who is therefore disposable, to achieve ends otherwise unacceptable in his world. Boy #3 is clearly confused and doesn’t know what he wants (n.b.–he just answered my text message and wants to have coffee tomorrow. sigh. I have to gather my thoughts). However, all three of them share one crucial characteristic: all three fail to communicate fundamentally important information.

Now, one could argue that this lack of communication is simply demonstrative of immaturity. I agree with this point, but do not think it is adequate. Women (at least, those that I know and love–myself included) are communicators! When men refuse to communicate with us, we experience all of the following emotions (sometimes simultaneously): anger, hurt, frustration, a desire to eat 700 gallons of B & J in one fell swoop, inadequacy, disrespected, and a need to buy very expensive shoes/clothes/insert vice of choice. The bottom line is that men who ignore a woman’s desire to communicate with him essentially send the message that they do not respect her. By not respecting her needs to communicate, by refusing to listen or interact with her, men err tremendously.

I realize that most men may not realize the error of their ways. Most men try to avoid expressing their feelings. It pains them to the roots of their souls (if they have them–there is evidence that some are lacking in this department. I can prove it with statistical data). But I also don’t think they realize how much damage they inflict–and how much worse they oftentimes make their situation–by simply ignoring the issue. Elephants in the room don’t go away with time. They simply get restless and begin trampling their surroundings.

So, men, do us all a favor. Release the elephants and spare our decor. It will save us a lot of time, emotional energy, and going to the gym to compensate for said B & J afterwards. I also promise that, while painful at first, you will feel better in the long run as well. Future girlfriends and wives will very much appreciate your willingness and ability to communicate.

In the meantime, I am going to go celebrate Christmas in traditional American Jewish style: by having Asian food with friends. As for boys? I hope with time to be strong enough to truly feel that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

However, there are new obsessions. Since coming to Israel, I have acquired the following addictions: hummus, salads without any remote trace of lettuce, avatiach (watermelon) popsicles, labane, pita with zataar (or anything with zataar), cottage cheese, liquid eyeliner, the short stories of S.Y. Agnon, a renewed love of sheish beish (backgammon), and Galgalatz. I am also currently obsessed with the song “Angels of the Silences” by Counting Crows–it’s fun to discover an old fabulous song that you feel really describes yourself at a particular moment or phase in time.

It’s really interesting to see how being in a new place will change a person. While I realize that becoming addicted to staples of Israeli diet is not particularly revolutionary, it does note a strong change in a person’s every day life. I think that my professor T.S. made an interesting comment when he was talking about living in San Fran and not being able to find good hummus. While I believe he may be right when he said that live without it (I don’t know if I can anymore, either), there are certain cultural phenomena that, when living in a new place, it is hard to adapt to or overcome. I miss Bed, Bath and Beyond. I miss American stores, kitchen products, shopping, and my car. I really miss American concepts of service and efficiency.

In the meantime, I am trying to figure out what things I can’t live without. I don’t feel like there is a whole lot I am missing except for the aforementioned items and the people I love and miss most. But I’m here, and learning to adapt. Not to say that I won’t complain, but whatever. As they say, life is no picnic. Unless you’re my professor and eating hummus.

Here’s the problem: because the teachers are not teaching, a lot of students have not had class. My friend E is a law student and he has been seemingly unaffected. However, my friend MH has been affected and was unable to take two of his classes. I think it just depends on what one is trying to do and how many senior lecturers are affected. In the meantime, while the martzim are making a point…they are just punishing the students. Olmert and the Ministry of Education/Treasury do not seem to give one hoot about the fact that the education system in this country is falling apart/has already fallen apart. So the question remains: will the shvita actually do anything? Will there ever be a resolution?

This also makes me question whether it is good to have a public education system. On the one hand, the cost of tuition is much lower. On the other, academics in Israel make next to nothing because their salaries are controlled by the Department of the Treasury. What I really don’t understand is why the martzim aren’t taking an active part in demonstrations that are being held. The student union of the University is organizing all kinds of activities against the situation. There are signs. The gates of the University were sealed one day. There are demonstrations in front of the Ministry of Education. But where, might you ask, are the martzim? Nowhere to be found. They do not protest side by side with the students… They are simply AWOL.

In the meantime, at least the younger kids are back in school (the strike was also in high schools and elementary schools). As for us University folk? Who knows. Hopefully the government will realize that higher education is important someday in the near future. Until then? I guess I will just be catching up on the rest of my work and doing my research papers.

On Sex
C: You know, there’s gemorrah about how many times a week a man is supposed to sleep with you.
me: Damn! I have to study gemorrah!
C: A shepherd is every day, and a rabbi is once a week.
me: Once a week?!
C: Well, he may have had a hard day at yeshiva.

On Lesbians
C: I went to bed with a lesbian once.
S: and you didn’t know?
C: No! My friends told her that I was a lesbian and fancied her.
S: You couldn’t tell that she was a lesbian?
C: I gathered that she was rather butch. I just thought she had hygiene issues.

On Female Pleasure
C: Listen, it’s a man’s obligation to please a woman.
S: Does that include oral sex?
C: We get it. They don’t.
me: Halakha is AWESOME sometimes. Will anyone believe us if we tell them this?

On Chess
C: Let’s be feminists and play chess on Shabbat!
me: How is this feminist?
C: I don’t know…but it is!!

On Halakha
me: I think you have GOT to be making some of this up.
C: So why don’t we just call it Sephardi minhag and do it your way?

On Kiddush at 8:30 AM
C: What? It’s my minhag! (chugs a cup of wine)
me: You’re definitely Irish.

On Alanis Morrisette
C: It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a fork.

Thanks for an amazing Shabbat ladies. You’re both amazing and always make me smile

Tuesday 12/4:
T.S. asks us to define two central notions which influence Israeli voters. He called on me and we had the following conversation.

T.S.: so what are your two values?
me: security and education
T.S.: so what would you say is more important?
me: *pause* security?
T.S.: okay, and where would you place yourself on the graph with zero being the lowest and ten the highest?
me: umm… seven?
T.S.: clearly, you are Likud or Ichud Leumi.
English Mike: *looks at me and laughs* haha, you aren’t even Kadima
T.S.: and the rest of the class is probably Meretz. now, if Shas were on the graph…

Wednesday 12/5:
our Hebrew teachers wish us a Happy Chanukah and tell us we are having a two part midterm that should indicate how we will do on the Rama Hey final exam. I cringe inside.

Thursday 12/6:
A’s class
Random Discussion Leader of the Week: So I ask the women in this class, do you think that you experience more or different discrimination in Israel as women? Do you think there is pressure to get married and have a family?
me: we live in Jerusalem, what do you think?
A: explain what you mean
me: well, in no other country in the world has someone asked to be my boyfriend and jumped on me, or chased me down the street with a cup of coffee screaming giveret! giveret! bo nishte cafe biyachad!!!
*laughter*
Sivan: yes, men are pretty forward in this country.
me: I can’t decide whether it’s objectifying and disgustingly misogynist or flattering.

*one hour later, I am walking down the street to go to the movies with Sheena*
Man in Car: *waves frantically at me out of a window*
me: can I help you?
Man in Car: No, I thought you were a friend of mine.
me: okay. sorry.
Man in Car: So, where are you going?
me: to meet a friend of mine
Man in Car: I can take you to meet her.
me: no thanks. I have had enough of men this week.
Man in Car: So are you a lesbian or something?
me: no. I’m just going to the movies with my friend.
Man in Car: ok so what’s the problem?
me: I don’t know you!
Man in Car: you can get to know me
me: no thanks, I’m just going to take the bus
*I then run away and go meet S*

once at Cinematheque:
me: I think my theory in A’s class was just proven
S: cool. now let’s go watch a movie about Ashkenazi identity and then tell A about it.

Friday 12/7:
Shabbat dinner with L and then falling asleep/watching Desperate Housewives. Many sufganiyot, chunks of challah, and much hummus is eaten. delicious.

Saturday 12/8:
Hanging out with M and then Chanukah party! much fun was had by all. E earned major bonus points for sweeping my floor and taking out the garbage. S.S. and M followed in close second by washing my floor at 12:30 AM and telling me to get into my pajamas. Thanks for understanding my OCD, guys

Sunday 12/9:
English Mike and I study together in Aroma. We then wander about outside and run into a Chabad Chanukiah lighting. We stay, and sing songs with the Chabadniks.
English Mike: This is a lot like a Christmas tree lighting.
me: with Chanukah songs?
English Mike: yeah, kind of
me: I can guarantee you that no Christmas tree lighting will serve donuts afterwards. And that is the difference between living in a Christian country and a Jewish one. We provide snacks afterwards.

Michali arrives a day later than expected. I go find her on Yafo and bring her home. She then snores and falls asleep in my bed. It’s extremely cute. She also brings me Victoria’s Secret lotion and real plastic bags, which makes my life.
Michal also meets E, and interesting political discussion ensues. Much amusement.

Monday 12/10:
I walk into MM’s class and sit down in my usual spot. MM walks in and pulls myself and Sivan aside. I know he is handing back our midterms and begin to freak out. MM is one of my favorite professors (as can be seen in previous posts), and I am scared he now thinks I am mentally challenged.
MM: I have to tell you, these are some of these papers I have ever received. Truly excellent.
Sivan and I exchange looks. Both of us experience an internal squee of joy.
MM: I would like you to present them to the class.
Sivan and I then do separate presentations. MM continues to make funny jokes in class. After class, he then tells S and I the importance of taking his class next semester. We both look at each other and nod in agreement. Any class taught by MM and we are so there.

Dinner is then had with M and Michali. The two Michals meet at last. And there was much joy.

Tuesday 12/11:
Michal and I go to the Arab shuk and buy tons of things. I haggle for a tapestry from 700 shekel to 300 shekel. Earrings are found. Scarves are found. As we cross into the section of the Old City with the kotel, the security guard says:
Asitem ktzat shopping?
Michal and I: ummm…. ken. ktzat

after taking photos at the Kotel, Michal and I find a cool lion sculpture painted all kinds of colors. I decide it’s a brilliant idea to climb on and take pictures. I am wearing a skirt (albeit a long one, since we are at the kotel). I climb on easily and we take photos. Then I have to get off.
Michal: you okay up there?
me: I think I’m stuck. I don’t want to flash a bunch of Charedi guys.
Michal stands there and laughs at me. In the meantime, a Charedi guy stands and stares at us.
Michal: anytime you’re ready to get down….
me: okay, I’m just experiencing technical difficulties…
as I jump down, Michal bursts out laughing.
once on the ground, Michal decides to share something with me:
Michal: while you were getting off and showing the world your crotch, that Charedi guy photographed you on his cell phone.
me: you are fucking kidding me.
Michal: nope…
me: great. who would want to see that anyway?
Michal: you should go talk to him… he’s standing over there still staring at you.
me: I might kill you.

*a couple of hours later*
me: were you really serious?
Michal: about what?
me: that guy
Michal: dude, I don’t know if he was just kidding or not. you never know with those guys.

T.S.’s class later that day:
T.S.: and so, the right would probably say what? *looks at me* what would you say?
me: they’d be against it.
T.S.: yes, and so would you.
me: right. me and all of my friends in Likud and Ichud Leumi.
T.S.: yes. you and your friends.

Other fun bits of information:
*Ben sent me a package from NY and now I have to go get it
*peoples’ presents and cards are on the way to America!
*I had a fabulous lesson about Chanukah in Hebrew class featuring Aramaic and all kinds of fun things in the Talmud. Talmud is cool. I want to know more. Maybe one of my rabbinical student friends will read this and share the love…
*I received news that I have a potential little sister to meet on Thursday to start volunteering with
*I learned two new bus lines in the course of adventures with Michal
*I am going to see Ariela on Friday because she is now in Israel
*the U of C kids get here next week on their Birthright trip, and I will hopefully meet up with them while they are in Jlem
*Lisa’s little sister Annie is coming after the U of C kids leave to stay at my place (hopefully) w/her boyfriend

In summation, thanks to all for a super special Chanukah I would tag you all in this note, but I would run out of space too quickly. Anyway, so far this has been the best holiday I have had yet in Israel. I look forward to more to come and to seeing those of you who are coming to visit!!!

For now, many stories abound about the current state of professors/classes/new friends. Going back to anecdotal/quote style, I have to first describe the professors.

My Monday professor teaches my theoretical poly sci class. When I first saw the syllabus, I assumed that I would fall asleep every class or every time I tried to do the reading. WRONG. I have never in my life met a man more excited about political science. Here are some amazing quotes that he actually said in class:

“I like risky hypotheses!!!”

“You cannot use the computers. I control them. All.”

“I like historians. Some of my best friends are historians. I even listen to them sometimes.”

“Leadership is a trap.”

“We are always looking for the State in everything!”

“The wife is always complaining.”

“I didn’t want to research the Israeli case. Who cares?!”

My personal favorites:
“When I first got to the London School of Economics to do my Ph.D., I went to my first class. The professor told me that no one could have possibly signed off on my Ph.D. topic because he taught political science from fifty years ago. And then….he died. And his paradigm died. And that is how we create new paradigms in political science!”

“I love crises!!!!!!!”

My Tuesday professor s a very laid back and macho kind of guy who teaches very clearly. I quite enjoy him, and he always gives good examples. However, as with most Israelis, he is not very good at hiding his feelings. He is very funny and has planned a trip for us to the Knesset. Works for me!

My professor for a literature class on Amichai and Agnon is awesome. She is the sister-in-law of my thesis adviser from Chicago and clearly knows a ridiculous amount about literature/Tanakh/all kinds of things. Her class is probably my favorite because people seem really intelligent and very into class discussion. My previously mentioned two courses are mostly lecture, and so there isn’t much room for discussion and things. However, this class is definitely rockstar.

My final class (besides Hebrew) is a sociology course on Israeli society. This class has a lot of great topics and information in the readings, and the professor seems quite chill. I have to say, having an Iraqi Jewish lesbian professor is pretty awesome. Anyway, one person or a small group of people is supposed to run class discussion each week. We also have to write papers every other week. Class has been a bit of a free for all so far, but maybe it will come to be more organized in time.

And now, anecdotal advice for how to survive as a graduate student at the Hebrew University:
0. Make friends with Israelis and older graduate students who can help you acclimate, because NO ORIENTATION EXISTS.
———–
And now, in no particular order:
1. Figure out High Learn
2. Figure out that High Learn only works in Internet Explorer.
3. Laugh at the fact that you go to school in a country where High Tech is a huge deal and that your University software runs through Internet Explorer.
4. Pack lunches–you will get sick of the food in the little cafe and at Sinatra
5. Make sure you always have the correct paperwork for everything. Especially for the stupid Egged bus card. They will NOT take anything else. It doesn’t matter if you almost cry. Trust me.
6. Figure out that the Photocopy card and Printing card are two different things that are purchased at two different places which only can be refilled by using coins.
7. Figure out how the library works and make friends with the librarians because course readers do not exist very often AND books are not ordered for you in advance at the bookstore.
8. Try to avoid the cats when they try to eat your food outside
9. Try not to kill surrounding undergraduates who think the only way to communicate with someone across the little courtyard is to scream.
10. Find fabulous cafes with wireless
11. Savlanut. Deep breathing. Lots of coffee (with TWO Es M! HA!)

I think that is mostly it for now. More to come. Still miss and love you all

Before leaving Israel, my Hebrew professor of many years said to me, “תשמרי על עצמך” which is translated to mean “watch out for yourself.” At the time that she said that to me, I didn’t really think much of her comment. I thought of it as being typical advice that anyone would say to someone before parting ways. Little did I know that there was much more to it…

In my previous non-anecdotal post about Israel, I discussed the nature and complexity of relationships. Since coming to Israel, I have had to (largely) start over. I have had to build a new network of friends, meet new people, and form new ties and relationships of all sorts.

When I left Chicago/NY/America, everyone who knew me said the same thing whenever I expressed apprehension about coming to Israel in this context. “But Jo, you are so outgoing. It will be easy for you to go and make friends, etc.” After having been in Israel for two months, I have made friends. I had a romantic tryst of sorts that finished in ways and for reasons I still do not understand. I have begun to become a part of an academic community of sorts. I have begun to learn a new neighborhood and feel a sense of “coming home” that I only used to feel when getting to my corner of Hyde Park.

Being in Israel has not been easy. After having long talks with Mike and Jose, I came to an important realization. I am really bad at this watching over myself business. It became clear to me that this was a problem after trying to understand what the hell happened at the conclusion of the aforementioned tryst. I thought about things that had happened that made me upset, or that I found hurtful…and I thought about my responses to those situations as they happened. When I discussed things with him, I would initially express my feelings. After listening to what he had to say, I would feel myself becoming upset with me for making him upset. I would just want to just be there for him. And what would become of my own feelings? Seemingly, they faded into the background. They would reemerge later when I had time to think on my own and leave me with a general sense of unhappiness, confusion and unrest in his absence. I never really took the time to think about what I wanted or felt. I focused on how to fix the situation–how to make him happy and, as a result, make me happy. I assumed it would just work out once a state of equilibrium was re-attained within the context of our relationship.

Now that things seem (who knows) to be over, I am starting to understand why I am upset about this situation. I realized that in considering and placing his happiness in a place of prominence, I assumed that he both could and would do the same for me. This is a mistake I have made over and over again. I have assumed that my actions and expectations will be understood and reciprocated by the other person with whom I am involved–and this is applicable to any context within a relationship that one can think of: romantic, academic, professional, friendship, familial, etc. I have expected that, as carefully as I try to watch over others, they will in return watch over me. As I sought to help, protect, and guide them, they will do the same for me. As much as I give to them, they will give back to me. As much as I respect them, they will respect me.

One would think that by now I would be the Jedi master of this concept of watching over myself and being constantly vigilant. When I was younger, I had a ferocity that often dangerously teetered on arrogance. I was convinced that I was right, convinced that my needs were important–righteously convinced to the point when someone would upset me or piss me off, I would say, “I don’t need them. I don’t need anyone. I have never had anyone, so what difference does it make?” My saving grace has always been my ability to find people outside of my family to “adopt” and understand me. These people include friends, family of friends, and–often–teachers. I consider myself very fortunate to have met amazing people throughout my life, and especially in college.

Now that I am older (wiser? highly questionable), my anger has subsided. My ferocity has (save for rare occasions) left. Now, when I have conflict or, as I prefer to call them, technical difficulties with others, I consistently think of myself as being at fault. I always feel responsible. I always want to fix the problem to make the other person happy and, in return, find happiness for myself. I think that is a big reason why I love to cook. While food is great in and of itself, you can also earn the love and respect of others with ease by cooking for them. It makes people happy, and brings me a great deal of happiness to watch people enjoy my food. I have lost the sense I had of constant vigilance, and ferociously guarding my feelings in fear of being hurt by others.

I guess my current question and biggest quest in life is how to be vigilant without being extreme. How does a person learn to listen to herself while still prioritizing others whom she views as being of the utmost importance? I don’t want to hate or hurt anyone anymore–I don’t have the time, will or energy. At the same time, I don’t want to be as easily hurt or depleted as I have been in the recent past. How does one find my Aristotle’s eudaimonia, his happiness at leading a virtuous life and reaching the highest state of happiness?

I personally think that a lot of the problems that I have had and emotions I have felt happen to a large number of women who were raised in modern American society. We never feel adequate. We constantly feel that we are inadequate. We aren’t thin enough, pretty enough, and never can give enough of ourselves…such that we overcompensate to the point of having nothing left for ourselves. It is certainly a tall order to have high expectations of people and expect them to meet those expectations. However, if one is to truly invest as much as I feel is necessary in any kind of relationship–familial, romantic or otherwise–it is natural to want all that is invested to be returned. Not only is it natural, it is appropriate.

In conclusion, to all of my readers, but especially to my female readers-תשמרו על עצמכן

I have walked through the streets of Jerusalem with all of the following feelings in the past month: love, confusion, sadness, depression, glee, and an intense feeling of missing my friends and family. The Amos Oz paragraph that I posted previously I think really captures my image and feeling of Jerusalem better than I could ever hope to accomplish in my own words. Even though I still have a serious lack of knowledge about the city (which will hopefully change soon), my feelings about Jerusalem as a city are very strong. Often it feels as though I have been living here for years, like I have always been part of the cityscape and it has always been a part of me. Interestingly enough, I felt similar about Chicago…and yet lately I have missed Chicago so much because in Israel it is incredibly hard to establish a sense of community. In Israel, there are certain aspects of life that bind people together: going to school together, being in the military…and I haven’t done those things, which leaves me on the outside. I also have been involved in Hebrew immersion the whole time I have been here, which means that my friends pretty much all come from that experience. During the holidays, I missed being with everyone who I know and love in America terribly.

More than anything, I think, (and that is saying a lot), I miss having girlfriends. Most of my friends in Israel are guys, and while I love all of you to pieces (M, MH, JPW, L), it isn’t the same as having girlfriends. The girlfriends that I do have are largely international, which means that I have to speak to them and convey all of my feelings to them in Hebrew. While this is possible and probably better for me in the grand scheme of things, sometimes you just want to sit and bitch to your friend without having to think about what you are saying. I miss going shoe shopping (for actual cute shoes, not the cheap fake things in this country). I miss sitting and eating ice cream that actually tastes good and having sleep overs. I miss going to Andersonville with LEH or whoever to have sushi and wander through the feminist bookstore, or sitting to drink tea on the floor of Kopi for hours. I miss having a car to drive around blasting music and processing my thoughts.

I think all of this has become apparent recently for a few reasons. First of all, my Hebrew class is now over. For those of you who don’t know, that took up pretty much 25 hours/week plus transit and homework time, which amounted to a lot of time per week. Now that the stress of doing that is over, it has left me to think and figure out what I am doing. Whether I am staying in Israel for my month break, whether I should go back to the States to see people and bring back more clothes, stuff, etc, whether I should take a trip to visit friends abroad…

There is much more to say, and many more thoughts to be recorded. I just don’t know if this is the proper forum. For now, I am going to get dressed and find the mysterious Rechavia breakfast with M.

And the walls.

Every quarter, every suburb harbours a hidden kernel surrounded by high walls. Hostile strongholds barred to passers by. Can one ever feel at home here in Jerusalem, I wonder, even if one lives here for a century? City of enclosed courtyards, her soul sealed up behind bleak walls crowned with jagged glass. There is no Jerusalem. Crumbs have been dropped deliberately to mislead innocent people. There are shells within shells and the kernel is forbidden. I have written ‘I was born in Jerusalem’; ‘Jerusalem is my city’, this I cannot write. I cannot know what lurks in wait for me in the depths of the Russian Compound, behind the walls of the Schneller Barracks, in the monastic lairs of Ein Kerem or in the enclave of the High Commissioner’s Palace or the Hill of Evil Counsel. This is a brooding city.”

-Amos Oz, My Michael